The Style Invitational Week 935 The 400 blows
By Pat Myers, Published: September 1 | Updated:
Friday, September 2, 8:00 AM
As you all no doubt have been
noting on your calendars since you bought them in February for 75 percent off,
this week’s contest is the Empress’s 400th consecutive column; she deposed that
pesky Czar in Week 536. To commemorate this earthshaking occurrence, we invite
you to commemorate some other ones, in a contest suggested last week by several
Losers: Write a humorous poem — choose your form — about the Virginia
earthquake, Hurricane Irene or another well-known natural event. As usual,
poems have to merit the space they take up; long ones rarely make the print
version of the Invite.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize gets, courtesy of Loser
Michael Kilby of Wildau, Germany, a set of five DemocraTea tea bags (Demokratie
is German for “democracy”). Each bag is attached to a little cardboard
caricature of Obama, Sarkozy, Putin, Berlusconi or, of course, Merkel; you hang
the bag on the side of your teacup so that it looks as if the world leader is
stewing chest-high in your beverage.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Sept. 12; results published Oct. 2 (Sept. 30 online). No more than 25 entries
per entrant per week. Include “Week 935” in your e-mail subject line, or it may
be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.
The revised title for next week’s results is by Tom Witte; this week’s
honorable-mentions name is by Kevin Dopart.
Report from Week 931: Limerixicon 8, in which we asked for limericks featuring words
beginning with ea- to el-. As usual, the 700-plus verses came from all over the
English-speaking world, many from people who enter the Invite only for limerick
contests. But we don’t see how anyone can dispute that some of the world’s best
limericists are our own frequent Losers, as all this week’s top winners happen
to be.
The winner of the Inker:
Jocasta rolled
over in bed,
Out of breath, and
contentedly said,
“I have not been
that had
Since I slept with
your dad”
To the suddenly
edified Oed.
(Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)
2. Winner of the Paparazzi
Shades sunglasses that look like identity-masking tape:
Any Eastern cuisine I’ll
endorse,
For they’re tasty and
healthy, of course.
Any litchi or lentil
In foods Oriental
Is a great anti-Occident
source. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
3. A mathematician named Fry
Was the shape of a sphere.
When asked why,
He replied, “That’s abstruse,
But I roundly educe
My circumference follows from
pie.” (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
4. Anatomical study will show
That five letters are all you
need know:
The ELBOW is placed
Somewhere over the waist,
While the BOWEL is found down
BELOW. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
Just south of Nantucket: honorable mentions
A bigoted comic named Seamus
Went to Ecuador just to get
famous
By reprising old swipes
At race stereotypes
In his one-man show, “Andean
Amos.” (Brendan Beary)
Eavesdropping’s really the
pits.
Scrounging for snippets and
bits
On friends and on foes
Is the lowest of lows,
And those who employ it are
substandard people. (Mae Scanlan. Washington)
Sherlock Holmes is a man
quite well rounded,
And his brilliance leaves
others astounded.
But when asked by his pals
Where he picks up the gals,
“Elementary” will get him
impounded. (Harry Wood, Andover, Mass.)
Ecologically sound, the whole
lot:
Greens grown on my own little
plot!
But you hesitate — why? Oh,
Don’t fear, it’s a bio-
-degradable slug that you’ve
got. (Hugh Thirlway, The Hague)
The young woman beseeched the
librarian:
“The handsome young man I’ll
be marryin’
Says he eats birds of prey.
Got a book that’ll say
How to cook for an
egalitarian?” (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
Not one to forgo a
transaction,
P.T. Barnum was guile in
action:
To “See the Egress,” folks
paid
Before realizing they’d
Seen the exit, and not an
attraction. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Easy money is funny, you
know.
Without effort, your wealth
seems to grow,
But you’ll find there’s a
catch
To each buck that you snatch.
“Easy come” has its match:
“easy go.” (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.)
She lay flat in the street in
despair,
But still living — I called
out with care
While I pointed above:
“Ms. Karenina, love,
It’s an el train — the tracks
are up there.” (Brendan Beary)
To the Senate
comes Brutus one day
In a toga that’s
yellowish-gray.
It’s so out there
that Caesar,
A notable teaser,
Can’t help but
say, “Ecru, Brute?” (Chris Doyle)
Now, an el is the letter we
pick
To start lips, lingam, latex
or lick,
Plus lubricious, loins, lust
. . .
Oops! I think that I just
Took right off on a Freudian
shtick! (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario)
A dozen? But why? What
forecloses
One less? Still, what
everyone knows is
You’re scarcely a gent
If you only present
Just eleven long-stemmed
perfect roses. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
To the Eighteenth Amendment
-- a toast!
Fifteen years we stayed
sober, almost.
We spoke easy: “Joe sent me.”
In any event we
Are tankful you’re long
adiosed. (David Goldberg, Pinckney, Mich.)
The earwig: most species are
tiny,
And its segmented abdomen’s
shiny.
They don’t look debonair --
Nor would you, if a pair
Of tough pincers grew out of
your heinie. (Brendan Beary)
“I am please to be teach
elocution,
And ve’ll start vith you read
Constitution.”
But as Ivan began,
I rethought my whole plan –
Maybe outsourcing ain’t the
solution. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
Neapolitan divers who foray
Near the reefs soon get
asked, “Hey signore,
“Have you seen the big eel?
“It could make you its meal!”
They reply, “Si, we have,
that’s a moray.” (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
“Pen a hymn to the
dead? I cannot.
I would sneeze and
get hives on the spot,”
Said a poet named
Gray
To his doctor one
day,
Who prescribed him
an elegy shot. (Chris Doyle)
The ego keeps reins on the id
By trying her best to forbid
The wickeder self
To be quite such an elf
(While being pleased with the
things that it did). (Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, England)
A Tea Party darling I am,
Who has passed every litmus
exam.
What they found most
attractive
Was my flatly inactive
Electroencephalogram. (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
An election is something we
do
When it’s time to choose
leaders anew.
It’s our best chance, no
doubt,
To just toss the bums out,
And then vote in a fresh bum
or two. (Larry Gray)
When sprinkled with eau de
cologne
Enhanced with a strong
pheromone,
I just stroll to and fro,
And wherever I go
Becomes an erogenous zone.
(Barrie Collins)
Childhood: such great
effervescence;
Then, a teen’s bright
incandescence,
Followed by years
Of blood, sweat and tears;
And, suddenly, one’s
obsolescence. (Mae Scanlan)
My unfortunate
buddy Tobias is
Saddled with
elephantiasis.
To his further
chagrin,
On his scrotum the
skin
Itches bad — it’s
a site for psoriasis. (Chris Doyle)
His spaceship came down with
a jar,
And he spotted a creature
afar.
“How disgusting!” he said;
“Seven holes in its head?
Yes, this Earthling is truly
bizarre.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
As the bed begins rocking and
shaking,
And you feel like the whole
planet’s quaking,
It’s earth-moving! Tectonic!
But also ironic,
’Cause your lover is actually
faking. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)
What my grandma called dropsy
was hell.
In her ankles and feet, it
would dwell.
If you’re puffed up so much
That they’re tender to touch,
It is clear that edema’s not
swell. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
The echidna’s a damn
curiosity
Of the family called
Tachyglossidae.
It’s a mammal, lays eggs,
And four heads twixt its
legs!!
It’s no animal, it’s a
monstrosity! (Brendan Beary)
I’m edacious, just
can’t get enough
Of the things that
I want – y’know, stuff.
Sure, my greed is
a curse,
But my neighbors
are worse.
(Keeping up with
the jonesing is tough.) (Chris Doyle)
If I cry, in a fury, “Damnation!”
We call that an ejaculation.
(Minds pure and immaculate
Won’t know that “ejaculate”
Can have other
signification.) (Hugh Thirlway)
It was early one morning when
Tonto
Spurred his pinto to sprint
to Toronto.
A sign he’d passed by
Read “Drink Canada Dry,”
And he’d thought, “Worth a
try — me go pronto.” (Stephen Gold)
So this girl that I met on
vacation
Made me laugh (to my
mortification) –
The punch line, you see
Came too early to me.
It’s no joke: premature
joculation. (Craig Dykstra)
Johnny’s parents demanded I
tell
Why I flunked him; they
thought he’d done well.
“When I told you that he
Performed effortlessly,
What I meant was he’s lazy as
hell.” (Brendan Beary)
Mister Gingrich, the bane of
the left,
Has declared for top billing.
How deft!
If it happens that Newt
Succeeds in pursuit
Of his goals, will we all end
up eft? (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
And next:
As the upcoming contest
reviewer,
I’m rating it high (for the
sewer).
Here’s a preview (it’s
sleazy):
“Your mama’s so easy
That even a caveman can do
her.” (Kevin Dopart)
And once again, more TV theme
songs from Week 929: The first two are about the Food Network show “Chopped”;
the third is set to a tune that is very rarely parodied, if ever :
To “Help”
When I was young and so much
younger than today,
I never thought I¹d be the
one who’s chopped and sent away.
But now I open up this basket
and I find
A beef tongue and some
pickled watermelon rind,
Durian (a nasty-smelling
fruit),
And a big chunk of cassava
root.
Judges, I’ve just gotta win
that loot!
Won’t you pleeeeease not chop
me? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
To “ How Do You Solve a
Problem Like Maria?” (start at 0:50)
How do you cook a dinner
using frogs’ legs,
Chia seeds, fennel, cotton
candy, too?
How do you make dessert with
just Cheez Doodles
And celery root, plus
three-day-old tofu?
Many a chef has come to take
the challenge,
Many a chef has failed and
quickly “chopped.”
Sweat flies and there is
flame,
They’re trying to win this
fame
While praying to Julia Child
they won’t be dropped.
Oh, how do you make a dinner
out of caca?
Tune in to see whose menus
can’t be topped. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
“Monday Night Football”
To “Sunday” from “Sunday in
the Park With George” (start at 1:00)
Monday
On a long, likely subsidized
field
With its striped plastic turf
or trimmed grass
We will pass ... three-plus
sacred hours.
Why? Because it’s Monday.
Ev’ryone loves the game known
as football
(Though the ball rarely
touches the feet).
Teams compete ... and we
treat it as cosmic,
As a key historic moment,
Like last week.
Watch as men, big men in
their team colors
Run around, form a big
jumbled mass
On the grass... We’ll detail
it all
With our slow-mo cams, and
jocks, and sideline babes.
And we’ll show you lots of
ads,
You’ll keep buying all that
stuff,
Keep our money train
a-rolling.
(Sure hope you don’t catch on
one day!)
Monday! Monday! (Perry
Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)
Next week: It’s Mother’s day, or Cheap shots by the
dozens